“How far we all come. How far we all come away from ourselves. You can never go home again.” – James Agee
It has been sometime since I’ve been home, and honestly I don’t know when I left. This wandering and meandering has left me restless, but not hopeless, for I know that home is on the horizon.
In a way I think there have been many catalysts in my life to get me to a place where I have a feeling of homelessness. I do live in a house, there’s a roof over my head more or less. But the nature of calling it my own, coming home to someone I love, kicking my feet up after a long day of work, cooking for someone I love, loving someone I love…I don’t have that in this season of my life. I could kick down this road called life begrudgingly and write love and all that, but I have hope for what isn’t in my life at this time and I am doing what I can to get there from here. 
That’s what I’ve held on to all these tumultuous years, that has been a big part of what has sustained me despite going through a lot of bullshit, learning things the hard way, and learning things first hand where if I had proper guidance I might not have made some mistakes…but even though it has stunted me in some ways, I’m still fighting, and I will keep on going and I won’t stop to get what I want in this life, and for beginners, a home to call my own.
I can’t say if I will be tied down to a 20 year mortgage, the white picket fence, the whole house owning bit…but I do want the wife and I want some kids of my own That by far is home to me.
These things take time, I am aware of that, but what better time to start than now? In some ways, I have already started, and in some other ways I am striving towards that goal. One of my favorite words is teleological – essentially it is the process of getting from here to there, what goals set can be goals made for a desired result. I don’t have all the answers, but I am doing what I can to prepare a way out for me, a way towards having a family, a home for myself.
I can never go home again, but I certainly can make a home for myself, my future wife and children, it will be a new home and it will be our home.
~Nathanael~
You have a plan. That’s a good first step.
I hope you will find that home you’re looking for sooner rather than later.
Me too!
All journeys start with just one step. I think you are on your way.
Hey Nathanael! That sounds like a beautiful dream, and a wonderful goal. Indigo
I understood that last part perfectly. My parents’ home was home even after I moved out. But that changed when I had my kids. Then home was where the kids were.
Kind of bittersweet for me. I started with the home and the husband and the kids… and the husband became cruel, miserable and wasn’t even a good father. That RUINED my home. But you know what… no matter where the kids and I are, THAT is my home. I always have to remember that.
Amen! I’m glad you struck out on your own with your kids, it might have been difficult as hell to do, but if you can imagine what the up-and-down might have been if you hadn’t.
It sounds like you’re living your life with a forward-looking state of mind. I think that’s an admirable thing. I hope your positivity carries you forward to something good, and worthy of the wait thus far.