I’m dying/God is calling me to deeper waters

In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer:



In turn, I am dying.

I am dying to the Nathanael of 10 years ago, I am dying to the Nathanael of yesterday…

***

On Monday of this week I was playing with my college friend and her family and her son Ezekiel at a local water park, obligatory cute picture of Zeke:


This sweet little boy of 2, this boy prior to Monday only knew me…for 1 day! Sure I played with him in my friend’s backyard, I had lunch with him and I even chased after him when he decided to go streaking nekkid to the front yard…I love this little kid.
So Zeke, his mom, her family, a few friends and I went swimming at the local water park. One of the first things Zeke wanted to do was go in the wave pool, so he dashed for it and I dashed after him. For a while he was content with just running up to his little ankles and back to dry ground, back and forth, back and forth…and then the waves started kicking in. I took Zeke, this little boy of 2, out to where it was shoulder deep on me. The wave formations were predictable so I just stayed put as they crashed into me and Zeke, well Zeke just loved it! The artificial surf knocking me about, splashing him every now and then…this is how 30 minutes goes by like seconds and this is also how like Zeke I aim to trust in God.

I’m dying, I’m dying to my old way of being and allowing God to move in and take over. I’m clinging to God as he takes me into deeper waters that seem lonesome. I’m holding on to him as it seems I get resistance from significant portions of Christian comm(unity) whose words crash down upon me at times…

I recognize that maybe I am going to start a legacy of engaging the LGBT comm(unity) in a way that right now isn’t really the norm. I don’t puff myself up with pride in regards to this, but I recognize that the change I want to see begins with me. While I want to do this, become a pastor, continue youth ministry and bring about change to my family as well as others…it begins with me dying so that Christ can live through me.
My life’s story is worn and thin in the pages, but God isn’t done with me. God alone knows how many days I have upon this earth, and I intend to use my days to bring Him glory and honor, that people see HIM rather than they see me, that what I have I pour out on others and what I have because of who He is and what He’s capable of, it won’t run out!

God is in the business of reconciliation and restoration, I aim to be a part of that, do you?

~Nathanael~

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