The other day I came to the realization that anger, for better or worse, fuels me and gets me going. Whether it is anger that is channeled correctly and it seeks to correct that which needs to be corrected in my life or incorrectly and I become a loud individual who isn’t level-headed at all… Gone are the days of being physically violent, but I recognize in myself that it is still there, just put to the side and kept at bay.
I used to be physically violent, not all the time, but there were moments where I beat the crap out of someone because the guy deserved it. In retrospect, “deserved it” is probably not a good stance to come from, deserving punishment for punishing someone else seems slightly oxymoronic…because what we deserve at times is wavered by higher powers that be, we receive what we don’t deserve and that’s a good thing, but in the heat of wanting retribution, the proverbial “eye for an eye” it’s hard to see from that perspective.
In a way, I think about the last person I beat the crap out of, a guy who was screwing around with a girl who couldn’t defend herself and she kept saying “stop it stop it STOP it!” and despite her pleas within earshot of adults (who didn’t do anything) nothing was done…until I stepped in and beat the crap out of him. He should have backed off when she said, I should have handled it differently, but I didn’t…I let anger seep in and I beat the crap out of him.
But there are ways that I have used anger in good and constructive ways; finding out about ways people are being exploited and doing what I can to draw awareness to those people and issues, and while I haven’t done it on a national scale, papers and presentations at the college level may have sparked change or thought to peers who weren’t aware of some issues that are out there.
It is out of anger and frustration towards the LGBT community that has channeled me into a direction of “okay then, if it starts with me, what can I do?” Anger isn’t making me stuck in this rut, but it is getting me out of it, love ultimately is guiding me in a positive direction, but anger drove me out of a mindset of complacency with how things are done in the church.
Yet I recognize that when I utilize anger for good, I can only take it in in small doses, because I recognize I can lose all sense of levelheadedness if I take in more than I should. What keeps me in check comes externally, because I can say I’m being reasonably productively angry…but then again, who wants to own up that they’re angry and no longer levelheaded? I’m blessed to have friends and family who let me know, sure it might sting a little but it’s what I ask for despite the ramifications because I don’t want my anger to cause me to say or do something I might regret.