3/31 – Something I struggle with

Something I struggle with

I struggle with the fallout of having a father who was there but wasn’t there for most of my life. I hate the phrase some people say about individuals like this, “the light is on but no one is home”, but if I am honest with myself it couldn’t be further from the truth. Even now as I live under his roof, it’s hit and miss with him, our conversations aren’t deep and are at the shallow end of the pool.

It is a struggle because the absence of a father figure on his side of the family is a several generation old problem. To some extent, my father’s repeating the sins of his father who repeated the sins of his father and so on and so forth… It’s been a trying experience, because some mistakes I’ve made along the way probably could’ve been avoided had I known, had I had a father who would have told me about certain things.

Growing up my mother did what she could in raising us 4 kids, there were times where she had to take on both her mother role and a makeshift father role. I rebelled quite often with her because she tried to fill that gap in my life, and since the wrong peg was being beaten into the wrong hole so as to “make it work” it never turned out well, and so for the longest time I had a severely fractured relationship with my mom. It also didn’t help that I was home-schooled and so I didn’t have much “alone” time, my classmates to some extent were my sisters, there wasn’t a chance to get away from the family any way I tried.

In hindsight my mom did the best damn possible job she could have done, she made mistakes along the way and could have been less of the disciplinarian she was to me, but that’s in the past. It’s also due to my mom that I have faith in God and I identify with being a follower of Christ, her faith isn’t what sustains me, but it was her faith that helped instilled my own faith.

One of the last college papers I wrote addressed this as a rebuttal against the Patriarchal Authority model; “If my mom was to wait around for my father to instill values (spiritual and otherwise) in us kids, she’d still be waiting”. I refute the Biblical PA model and I lean towards an egalitarian/complimentarian perspective, the husband submits unto his wife, the wife submits unto the husband, they both submit to each other.

While I know I am up against a lot when it comes to what I struggle with, I have to end the curse that plagues my family. I can speak a good game about what I will do, but I know that I will need Godly counsel from friends for those years ahead as well as those years leading up to it, to which I am thankful to God for having good friends whom I can be real about what I am going through; the good, the bad, and the downright shitty.

It’s an uphill battle, but it must be fought and it’s up to me, and by God’s strength I will overcome!

~Nathanael~

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