A fear that I have not been able to let go of
Growing up I didn’t have the fears other kids had; spiders (like them) the dark (I can’t complain) stormy weather (I like watching them), et al. Now theses are valid fears, some people are afraid of them and that’s okay, but my fear then to a degree and is still a fear of mine is the fear of not being able to change the multi-generational that afflicts my family in the form of an absent father.
Growing up my father’s life was wrapped around work, wrapped up in being successful by work means, but the way it turned out work was wrapped around him in a boa constrictor grip. His absence left a large open wound in my life and to some degree it still does, and not to give him an out but he’s doing what he experienced, what his father experienced and perhaps a few generations more.
If you recall my last post about having HOPE, I have hope in this area of my life despite the odds, despite the fact to some extent I really don’t know how I will be as a husband and a father. For me it starts with being in communication with God, putting out my fear and my sense that I could really screw things up for the next generation, but it is also about trusting in God to see me through to completion, that I will have friends who hold me accountable so that I don’t repeat what should never be repeated.
I already know that in my life, in my line of work money may be tight, but I have a feeling that even if this is so I will still have time for my wife and kids. It’s not that I won’t work hard to put food on the table and other things needed in life, it’s just the reality of the wages an individual earns from youth ministry are not what they should be.
I also intend to give my wife and kids the best of me, and not the scraps at the end of the night of youth group, not the lesser part of me. I do hope to have parameters set up with those I do youth ministry with, that while they might need to get a hold of me, there will be times when I am with my family and they’ll have to talk to another leader or wait, because I know some youth ministers who aren’t disconnected and essentially can be reached any time at all, ANY time, and I don’t think that’s healthy for a leader as well as his family.
I have to make a difference and change in the lives of my future wife and kids, because if I don’t that is probably worse than never committing to change because I didn’t deliver on what I said I would and now I’ve grown apathetic. I also know what it feels like from a child’s point of view, when a father isn’t there or he’s there but he’s not really there…it hurts like hell, and I do not want to put my wife and children through hell.
This is my fear, this is what drives me to make a difference, this is what motivates to do things better than previous generations.