Something I hope to change about myself and why
I think for me one thing I desire to change in myself is a dependency on myself more than dependency on God.
If I am truly honest with my circumstances at this present time I see a lot of self reliance and a lack of reliance in God. I do give things over to God in prayer, but “safe” things, stuff that doesn’t require much of God, to which I essentially reverse the order of my relationship with him because I am putting my wills and desires above him, I am saying that “I got this” when I should let him in and be God and help me…
Because I do need help, I do need that connection because he’s my Heavenly father, he’s more there than my biological father, and I need that kind of connection. I don’t go to him because it feels good or I’m fulfilling some spiritual obligation, I go to him because he is God and I am not…but the way I act sometimes, my lack of dependency on him and trust in him skews this dynamic.
I honestly think the reason why I don’t give more over to God is because his plan and his will might be best…but I might not perceive it as best. There’s a closed chapter in my life that I haven’t completely surrendered over to God because I am still pissed of at him and still mad at him because it puts some people who were once in my life in a place where I’ve been put in my entire life, and I don’t want those people to go through the shit I went through…pardon the “what happens in vagueness stays in vagueness” but it’s all I feel like writing about this part of my life.
I do recognize I need to surrender, and it’s not a white flag of giving up, but surrender to God is a giving over. I do believe with all my heart that God’s will and ways are the best and I need to seek them out…but there are times my mind doesn’t believe or want to believe this is so, because it hurts at this very moment to just. let. go.
I need to let go, I want to let go, but I get in the way of letting and wanting that to happen. I also want to be more faithful to him by talking to him about what really eats me up inside, because while he does know (He’s God after all :)) I want to put the rawest and most real part of me out there to him. God can handle my shit, he can handle moments where I say fuck more than love within my prayers, he can handle moments where I want to punch him more than embrace him.
I’m getting there and God willing I do get there, but I guess that’s what this journey of life is all about, equal parts the journey in itself as well as the destination.