22/31 – a dark/turbulent moment in my life

A dark/turbulent moment in my life

It hasn’t defined me nor has it made me turned off to ever having a relationship with a girl again, but one of the darkest and most turbulent times in my life came in the season where my fiancee called it quits on “us”.

I don’t like airing my dirty laundry, especially online, but the time after she broke up with me I was in a mental haze, and I second guessed everything that once was us, I felt inadequate as a man, and not only did I lose my then love that day she closed the door on “us” I lost my best friend and to be honest I haven’t had a best friend quite like her since. I do have good friends, but I put it on the line with her with what was going on in my life and as one of my favorite songs by the Australian band Empire of the Sun says in their song We are the People;
“I know everything about you,
you know everything about me,
we know everything about us”
I lost that kind of dynamic in my life, and for what it’s worth I’ve been looking for that ever since. I don’t look for someone to love in a frivolous manner, I’ve found love before and I don’t want to put my heart out carelessly because it is my heart after all. I am guarded, not too guarded but I’ve been wounded in this way before and I don’t want it to happen again.

Love is one of the best and worst things one can ever do; best because you can experience true intimacy with someone else, but it can be the worst when the one you love suffers in a way that you can’t do a damn thing about it, or when it comes to an end by your loved ones passing…Love hurts like hell when all the pieces fall, but love is the best thing and makes everything seem balanced and worth living for.

I will love again, I am looking and praying with my eyes open for my June, these things just take time and it is worth every second.

~Nathanael~

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