verb (used with object), re·shaped, re·shap·ing
Yet as I embrace the whole of who I am, when it comes to being a sexual being…well, I know that I like women, but it hasn’t been much apart from knowing it and picking people’s minds about sex, and learning via books, as I am a 29 year old virgin.
My sexual education consisted of an old[er] book that was going to be something my father and I were going to go over…but instead, he threw the book my way and I read it on my own. It was horrible, sheer WASPy Evangelical-based horror. The part I remember best from that book due it being so bad was a statement something along the lines of “sex is like asparagus, I might not like it now but when I am older I will” (reader’s note, I have always liked asparagus, so…bad analogy! ;-))
My first encounter with porn was when I was 15 or 16 at the local park. A clipping saying I could “extend my male member by 3-4 inches”…even then I was rather stupefied by the why’s and what’s, but was too…self conscious/innocent to ask what was that advertisement was suggesting.
There was gossip mingled with braggadocio amongst my fellow Boy Scouts, but not much, and even then I knew how to spot a liar (it takes one to know one, and that’s another story for another day).
But still I waited, and still wait. But I have come to terms with my sexuality. Perhaps at one time I did think that it was a “wait to get married to have sex” reason why I chose to hold out on having sex. Not that the opportunity hasn’t come up. There have been opportunities where I might have gone further than making out or times when on the job (not the current one, mind you) where I was solicited for sex from coworkers, and one teacher at a school where I worked as a janitor at a local school.
It’s amazing how many opportunities, if I chose, to have sex have come up in my life. Even when I was young I was very surprised at how easy it could be. Then and even now I wonder why does sex just sometimes happen. I like picking people’s minds about this, and for some because I am holding back (rather than holding out) I am ideal, I am the individual who has held back and therefore I am in a place of power. There is power in sex, yes, but to be the one not giving in to sex at times makes you out to be the one who has the most power.
So at this point in my journeys as a human being, I think I am waiting to have sex…for me. I am not selfish when I am in a relationship, but I have boundaries. Despite sometimes getting caught up in emotions, feelings, and a heavy dose of oxytocin and dopamine (yes science is on my mind, among other things) I pull back. I pull back not out of individual guilt or collective guilt that “a Christian should not…” I don’t buy into that, and if I did I know I wouldn’t be functioning well on my own because I’d be overly keeping myself in line (more on this in the next post).
Now to the reader who has already had sex, this isn’t a post about me being superior to you for me waiting and you not. Absolutely not. You make your decisions (and hopefully it’s consensual) and I am making mine.
So why re:shaping you might ask. Well for my sexuality it is still there, no doubt about it, I won’t deny it. But I do realize that I have quite a ways to go with it. I am aware of the short comings in my early sexually active days yet to be had, but I do realize that it will be a culmination of being in a committed relationship to my June* (*term of affection, I’m a Johnny Cash fan/Man in Black kinda guy) in which I am looking for her, and praying with my eyes open for her.
Sex is important to me, but some things have to come together first. I don’t want a one night stand with someone I don’t love, I don’t want a pity lay because I am 29 years old and haven’t had sex, I want it for better reasons than my own and that is why I am in the process of reshaping my sexuality from me.