Surprised by hope/dismissing my pessimism

Earlier today I was surprised by hope.

I spent part of my day with my mother who has recently had a bad fall which resulted in her breaking and shattering bones in her wrist, she had surgery to screw-and-bolt her back together. It was up and down with her, and it probably could have been more positive if I just kept my damn mouth shut and suppressed any desire to problem solve with her – a word of advice, sometimes putting out multiple solutions, multiple cause-and-effects aren’t always going to be received well. Yet my hope didn’t come from interacting with my mother, but rather my father.

I dropped her off, her stuff, and he spent a good deal talking about random things and then he presented to me a belated Christmas present; hot sauces, gummy treats, and a handmade pen he had made…freaking awesome gifts! Definitely things I enjoy, it was very heartfelt.
Despite these kind gestures on my father’s part, my mind started drifting towards a cynical/pessimistic bent. I started dwelling on how he has hurt me, how we don’t have a healthy relationship, how we don’t talk about things in our lives that is substantial…but then I started thinking positively, that right now he’s being kind, right now he actually put some thought into and handmade a freaking pen! πŸ™‚

right now there is good in him, I can feel it.

***

It’s not easy for me to think like this, if I am honest with myself I am pessimist trying to come off as being realist. I’m getting better, albeit I relapse all too frequently, but you know what? Despite the majority of times when life’s shit hits my fan, caused by myself or others, I cling onto hope and wistfully dream of better. Better will happen, and better happens all the time, so as I said before I’m getting better.

I don’t have a good relationship with my father, but I realize that within this I should be the change I want to see. It’s a long road back to the middle, and perhaps even surpassing the progress I’ve made thus far and the progress I will make, but I have hope that in this area of my life things will get better.
I am beaming, I am radiating happiness and hopefulness in all of this. I will have setbacks, but I am not going to let this kind and wonderful gesture on my father’s part be written off as a once-in-my-late-20s-lifetime occurrence.

~Nathanael~

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