The longest pause in time – 24/28

I am a big fan of love. Whether it’s the little boy who unabashedly kisses his ‘girlfriend’, the “I like you, let’s be friends” moments between little kids when they’re not bogged down by life’s pressures that settles in with life, and the old couple who smile at each other and hold hands and it is through this communication that their love speaks louder than their words.


But truth to be told, I don’t believe in “falling in love”; “falling in love” provides the opportunity to fall out of love as well, and love is more than just chemical reactions  happening and bonding mutually with someone. It’s a posture, a commitment to the other person that when the going gets tough you’re not going to bail on them or give up on them.

I’ve only been in one such committed relationship like this in my lifetime. And while that relationship has come and gone I am not jaded or cynical by it. I am not someone who dismisses that what she and I had for a season was fraudulent, that while we expressed love in our words and in our tangible expressions it was REAL but it was utter bullshit when it came to an end. It was love through and through, and I guess with that mindset that’s why I am still looking and praying for a girl to share life with me. I know it could have ruined me, it did for a season but I have made peace with that closed chapter in my life.

***

Here’s the thing about me and women; I might have 3 sisters, I might be the only guy in the family, but translating girl-to-English is a hard task. I am oblivious to subtle flirting, I am one to “get it” after the fact sometimes.

***

The girl I dated was a friend of mine whom I met through MySpace (yes I might be revealing how old I am and/or how much of my life time I’ve spent online). We kicked it off as friends online, and we did even better as friends offline. She liked me more than I allowed myself to like her from the start, and she hinted via blogging what she thought about me. I “got it” then and there, so I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. We hung out like usual, but more often.
Yet the turning point in our relationship was our first St. Valentine’s Day together; I prepared a home cooked meal for her, got her flowers, chocolates, the whole 9 yards. It wrapped up and I told her those 3 words that opens up someone to so much good and so much possible hurt…”I love you”

It was bold of me to say it, an entire universe came to be in the few seconds of pause, I started doubting myself and mentally kicking myself… But then she said; “I love you too”.

🙂

Young nervous Nathanael became giddy confident Nathanael. So started the first time I loved someone for who they were; no I-love-you-asterisk but true honest love. It was the start of something good, and it came to an end eventually, but still it has never left me wanting to give up on love and loving.
A recent drawing of mine captures one of main thoughts about love:

“Perfect love casts out fear”

If you have that security that comes with love as it was meant to be, there is no darkness if love has cast it out. All is revealed, there are no shadows, there are no traces of impropriety, all is known for better or worse and it isn’t used against the other. I like to say “here I am, warts and all” when I’ve gotten to a place in my relationship with friends where we dive into the deep end of transparency and communication with one another. Yes, some people in my life can’t handle such honesty, but it’s the only way I can conduct my life. Blogging isn’t my heart on my sleeve, yes you the reader get a snippet of who I am, but if y’all could break bread with me or go get coffee you’d get more than you bargained for. 😉

So while not in love with my June* at this time, I have love to give and love to receive. It’s a difficult journey sometimes because I want to come home to share my life with, and that’s not where I am at this time. All in due time, praying and looking all the while.

(Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash’s story is one of my favorites, so my term of affection for “her” is June.)

~Nathanael~

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