Now here’s the thing, I do have moments where I like being alone with my thoughts, moments where I’m able to tap into silence and my subconscious and dwell there and resolve things. But there are times where it really isn’t so, that I have mini panic attacks because I let my thoughts get the better of me.
I think some of it comes from being stressed out, which is only magnified 1000x when I don’t eat in light of being stressed and I drink copious amounts of coffee. I go from being caffeinated, jittery, to full blown dread. I worry, I fret, I think horrific what-if scenarios and I break down. Sure I might own up to some of it after the fact, but I hardly do it in the midst of it all. I think that has to do with my ego getting in the way, or at the very least the horrific “I-got-this” attitude that prevails in culture.
If you need help, you should ask for it, and I am speaking to myself in all of this because I certainly know at times I’m a pull-yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps kinda guy and yet I realize (especially in my line of work) help might not always be there but that shouldn’t stop you from asking for it until you get it.
I realize I have crossed the threshold, the very fine line between arrogance and independence. I am not made for me, I am made for community, and sometimes there’s a time and place for retreating from everything for a while (including one’s self) but so much of life is meant to be spent and invested in the lives of others. I recognize what I have to do, not what I ought to do; it isn’t out of societal norms that makes me want to live in community, it’s my personal desire and goal to live in community wherever I am planted. That’s another factor that might seem cliche, but I’ll state it here anyway;
Absolutely do this, failure is okay and if you constantly fail that’s also okay. But the moment you throw in the proverbial towel and give up, that is a far greater disservice to yourself and those around you than simply failing. I realize within the core of me I have dreams, desires, and ambitions, but too often they’re out “there” and not so much “here”. I’m getting to where I need to be in life, but I’m not ready to shift it into neutral, onward and upward I go and will keep going till I achieve success. Success as defined by me and success by what I give back to this world, after all, I do want to leave this world in better shape than when I first arrived.
So I realize that instead of dwelling on my head full of dreams, I need to make some obtain some of those goals. Primarily nowadays it’s working on a book about mental illness. I’m also working on a proposal for my work to revamp the system because the system is broken (Illinois is 48 out of 51 for a second year running when it comes to Social Services – whether on the receiving end of the services, or if you’re like me and work in this field). But I realize that my goals might not be accepted, and so I am mostly ready to take my dreams and goals and implement them elsewhere. While this might seem contradictory to the above statement of “grow where you are planted” I assure you it only seems that way.
My thoughts do get the better of me sometimes, but I am getting better at expressing what is wrong with me with those I trust, in community online but also off. Writing here brings some solace and some comfort that things will get better, and sometimes I need to be the one to gears moving to make it so whether my thoughts bother me or not.
Onward and upward,