Raw is defined in many ways, but the one that sticks to me when I step into a posture of prayer is this one; c : not protected : susceptible to hurt <raw emotions>.
The other day I had a raw moment where I spoke honestly and succinctly to my mother. I answered some questions she had and I thought she would have done the same, but it didn’t happen. I was very tired having been up 20 hours running on caffeine and pizza and 4 hours of sleep. I felt betrayed, heartbroken even, that my questions weren’t answered but skirted. I also realized that within her lack of answers, she wasn’t ready to face the truth herself let alone share it with me. I left her with some advice, to clean the shit out of her ears because it was leaking into her brain.
And on the drive back to my apartment I had another raw moment, but this time it was with God. I put out to God what has been hurting me lately, what had been hurting me, and I got a sense of peace that doesn’t make sense.
All too often I get things with my head but not always my heart as well as I get things with my heart but not always with my head. So when I wrestled with my thoughts leading up to driving with God it was all on me, I took it ALL on. I’m the rock-em-sock-em disciple Peter and I am the doubtful-and-forgetful disciple Thomas, what some remember from day-to-day I need to be conscientious and conscious, breathe in and breathe out.
I meditate, as well as pray, but even in the stillness I realize that I am able to focus on God’s Godness. That God loves me, that God loves all of humanity, and it was in my raw and fragile state before God I found peace. A “I got this so you don’t have to go at this alone” wave of calm in my self-created tempestuous sea. I go with the ebb-and-flow sometimes, but this time as I drifted off into deeper currents, I was okay in my floating, I was okay with not being able to touch the rocky bottom, I was okay with being without land to draw security from. God and me out in the deep blue sea of life, of fragility, of rawness, of being okay with not being okay…
I need to allow these moments to occur more often, because too often I want external securities; a good job, a paycheck, friends, family, a roof over my head, etc. Yet sometimes I realize I leave God out of the equation, not vocally but in my actions, my be-ing as well as my do-ing.
I have more to say about this, but it’ll have to wait till next time.