Today I am an obstacle to myself

Today I have come to a wall in my job hunting and even to a large extent my life, and that wall is myself. I am an over-analyzer, an over-thinker, and these attributes aren’t necessarily a bad thing and yet I have spent way to much fucking time dwelling on my last job and my role there. I had identity in what I did. I loved what I did. I realize that the trappings that people get bound up in when it comes to “work” weren’t issues for me and it wasn’t work per se to me, but finding ways to make the lives of others better to the best of my ability on their own terms.
But that chapter is closed, and I am somewhere between bargaining and depression when it comes to the 5 stages of loss and grief. It’s an odd thing, this up and down feeling, it exists/persists/insists one day and the next day I have the drive to give it my all when it comes to looking for work. I have looked for work today, but I admit it has been half-assed as I’m caught up in thinking about what was and is no more.

Hope is there, I get it and see it as a twinkling in the distance, that someday..hopefully soon (provided I get my ass into gear) I will be able to continue on in this line of work, as I know this is where my aptitude for work lies. Yes I will look for other types of work if it comes to it, but I know myself well, I know most of my strengths and weaknesses, and some jobs I’m not cut out for simply because of what I know about myself.

Writing has and always been a source of comfort for me. I wrote in journals when I was younger and still do time-to-time, but I also don’t mind exposing myself in writing here. It does seem that I have solace in what I have to write, and perhaps ripple effects of me-too’s will come from putting my thoughts out here…time will reveal all things, not just some things.

***

As much as I don’t read the Bible on a regular basis, I am reminded of Psalm 40, in particular the first 3 verses:
I waited and waited and waited for God.
    At last he looked; finally he listened.
He lifted me out of the ditch,
    pulled me from deep mud.
He stood me up on a solid rock
    to make sure I wouldn’t slip.
He taught me how to sing the latest God-song,
    a praise-song to our God.
More and more people are seeing this:
    they enter the mystery,
    abandoning themselves to God.
(The Message)

I know I am not the audience David wrote to, but regardless I resonate with this, me too David…me too. I hurt, I ache, I “waited and waited and waited for God”; that longing, that suffering, that’s where I am now and yet I say God be praised in my suffering not despite of. Yes I will weep and wail in my own way, I will probably be an obstacle to myself yet again some other day, but God is with me in my own ditch, my own deep mud circumstances. Some days I will take hope in these words and other days I will tell David to leave me the hell alone, but through all these things I realize down to my cellular level that God is here and he loves me and he is guiding me through all this.

Somehow, someway, onward and upward!
~Nathanael~

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