On Sunday I will be turning the big 3-0 and my knee-jerk, gut reaction towards my birthday is oh hell I am a year older.
I am not a fan of my birthday most of the time because I over-analyze and overthink it and I find myself doubting my self-worth and what I have done with my XX years of living. But, and maybe it’s senility taking over (I kid), I am coming to terms with surrender and entrusting God with the journey set before me in its rawest form; the journey of simply living and BEing.
I am going to be as optimist about it as I can be, but not the blind optimism that bares a fake smile that seems like the byproduct of a Botox injection gone awry, but the optimism that says God this is my life, this is my journey, help me to trust in you with my life now and forever. It’s not a revised “sinner’s prayer” but a prayer in the breath-as-a-prayer form, a breathing in…a breathing out, an entrusting for what I see in front of me and even for what I don’t see, as my vision is limited (interpret that as you will).
So with that in mind, I embrace my life as being 1 year older, first year of my 30s, wonderful years I have yet to experience but God is here and God is near in the midst of my good times and even in times where I utter a fuck this shit under my breath or out loud. God sustains me and provides, and so I trust and turn towards open-handed faith instead of clenched-fist belief, opening of myself in a posture of surrender and human feebleness.
I know I will be met on this journey, and even if I don’t see much in front of me, I am okay with that I really am. So here’s to the journey called life, here’s the journey called my 30s.
P.S. In lieu of a birthday present, would you mind consider donating to The Marin Foundation. I believe in their ministry and their continual effort in building bridges. Thank you very much for considering doing this, I appreciate it and I know they will as well.