Rambling confession; I am human, I am fragile

Over this past weekend I acquired a 24 hour fever. I seldom get sick but when I do I despise it.

Being sick is part of being human, but it’s ultimately a leveling ground of our fragility. No immune system is strong enough to ward off being sick, and I honestly wish mine was.
Sickness leaves me tired and restless; I want the solace of my bed but sleeping away the hours is hardly my idea of a good time. Sickness makes my skin crawl, my body’s hot one second and freezing the next, this flux sucks. Sickness drains my appetite; I’m hungry for food, a nice cold beer would hit the spot, but I’m left to eating soft foods and staying hydrated solely by water really chaps my ass.
As if the fever wasn’t bad enough, I had a pounding headache and a ringing in my ears. While I slept I had all the above and nightmares, making my possible relief impossible.

***

And after the fever broke, my bones and joints felt brittle and lined with glass. I walked slowly, timidly, haphazardly. Hell, despitefully this lumbering disposition I managed to fall down my stairs in my apartment. This heaped a bit insult to injury because I stayed there a while, I didn’t bounce back up from that and I was reminded to take things slowly. I hate taking things slowly.
The eating solid foods curve post-sickness is a sharp one. I’m glad I have no major appetite, but still the body needs sustenance. Soup and sandwich, delicious when I’m well nausea-inducing when I’m recovering.
The nightmares returned, this time a tormenting “everyone dies alone” was played on repeat for 3 hours. When it had ended, I awoke to the fact that as I was subconscious, I shit myself- need I continue on how vulnerable and helpless I feel?

I will get better, but it’s an exasperating process that I would rather skip. And yet in my vulnerable state I’m surprisingly mindful to what’s around me and what I’ll going through. I am also aware that God is present to my suffering, and despite horrific nightmares I know I will not die alone (whenever that day might occur).

Here’s to recovery, here’s to vulnerability.
– Nathanael –

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