30/30 – It could have been worse

It could have been worse

Life isn’t always what it seems and lately I’ve been in a bit of a funk where I’m dwelling on what was and is no longer. If I am honest with myself and my current circumstances I seem to be pining over the past and am not satisfied with my current lot in life.

Things are getting better for me, they truly are, but I think about love and how much I want to give love and be loved…

It could have been worse, had I not been in a place where love was expressed I might not know how to appreciate it or truly live it out. Love hurts as much as it heals, and when you truly love someone you recognize that it will come to an end, not because one’s perspective should be looking at the possible end at the beginning, but if you give your love to someone and they give their love back, someone’s going to pass away and the physical day-to-day in-good-times-and-bad kind of love will come to an end.

Yet I realize that I want that again, even though there is hurting that comes with the healing, I am ready and so I look for my June, I pray for her with my eyes open.

Love is an active thing, it must be acted out in a tangible dynamic way, love cannot coast, either it is acted upon or it is not, there’s no middle ground where it just gets by on its own.

So tragically I do miss loving and being loved, but I am ready for love the next time it presents itself.

~Nathanael~

29/30 – Some rules society seems to enforce were meant to be broken

Some rules society seems to enforce were meant to be broken

I work with the homeless and down-and-out in my community of Aurora Illinois. Now society and social norms would say that they (how dehumanizing! They’re some of my favorite Imago Deis!) should keep to themselves, that they should pull their bootstraps up, get a job, “God helps those who help themselves”, yada yada yada…are ya done yammering your jaw?

There are times where I say screw society and social norms, if something comes between me and serving God by serving others because “that’s not what we do” “in polite company…” et al, I don’t want a part of society and social norms that separate me from people whom God has made in his own image.

Take for instance what’s going on in Orlando, essentially it is illegal to feed homeless people, to which some people defied the law and consequently got arrested for it… Yet put in a similar situation I would be doing the same! There aren’t any laws imposing me from feeding the homeless in my hometown, but if it ever becomes illegal by law terms as in Orlando, I will break the law.

Some rules are meant to be broken, and I have no problem breaking rules that keep me from serving God by serving others.

~Nathanael~

28/30 – Putting an end to a multi-generational curse

Putting an end to a multi-generational curse

I grew up in a home with an absent father for the most part. Work was (and still is) priority number one, and his intentionality to work long hours meant something or someone had to be given up, my mom/sisters & I were that someone.

I don’t know the fullest extent of growing up without a father has taken on me, but some of the more noticeable signs are as follows:
– I kinda rebel at male roles of authority, if I develop a relationship with the guy it’s easier, but from the get-go it is not.
– I have learned a lot of things the hard way, which if I had a father who gave me some insight I probably would not have made stupid STUPID mistakes, but I will say thankfully I’ve been learning from my mistakes and so there haven’t been much repeating in the mistake process.
– I was a hellion to my mother growing up, I bucked her authority because she took on both roles as a result of my father not being there, nothing quite like having your teacher also be your disciplinarian, things got better between her and I but it took years…

The sins of my father in his absenteeism comes from repeating what his father did to him, but it goes on before him and therefore is a multi-generational curse of having fathers out of the picture, away or even not there for their wives and children.

***

The turning point probably came in my late teens or earlier when I decided I did not want to put my future wife and kids through what I went through, and actually I was toying with the idea of having a friend snuff the life out of me if I ever did turn out like my father (which, as it should, scared the shit out of him).

But it has been in 20s that I have formulated what I will need to do in order to end the multi-generational curse, because an idea is just an idea, but if one has the gumption to put some sweat and tears and effort in changing something, that idea just became a well crafted plan of attack which holds more weight than just talking about it.
To which my plan of attack as it were is as follows:
– Having men I respect and trust to hold me accountable, to put out there my struggles and concerns.
– Putting it out there to my wife (in advance) where I’m coming from.
– Figure what my father-in-law did right and seek him for advice (I recognize I won’t be marrying just my June, but her family as well).
– Pray and have faith in God to see me through, that my wife and kids will not know the absence that I know all too well.

***

It’s not easy, and some days I would much rather stay in bed than face the facts concerning my issue, but I have had the pull to be a husband and father since I was younger and so I must go on and do what I need to do to get to that point. That day will come and I want to be as ready for it as I’m getting ready nowadays will putting out there my issues, concerns, and struggles.

I already await the days when my kids run screaming “daddy” and they hug my ankles, I already await the days where I go to bed with my wife and feeling safe & secure, I already await the days when my kids let me in to what’s going on in their lives and there isn’t a shred in parental-loathing teenage angst…

I have dreams, I have ideas, and I have plans, so I must get to planning the future for my wife & kids in the now.

~Nathanael~

27/30 – Being the first to the scene of an accident

Being the first to the scene of an accident

There have been times in my life where I have been the first one on the scene of an accident, and the last time I was went a little something like this.

I was on my way to work when my commute was close to 45 mins, but gas was about a 1/3 cheaper than it is now so to some extent with the hours I worked made it all worthwhile. My commute took me down a steep hill and then over a steeper one still, and at the top of this steep hill was a 4 way stoplight. As I was getting to that point of the road, across from my lane of traffic was a woman who braked as the light went from yellow to red, thing is…

the Semi behind her did not.

Her Land Rover flipped 2.5 times while the Semi drove off the road and into a ditch of sorts. I parked my car safely on the side of the road, so as to keep traffic moving and not blocked by my car. When I got to the vehicle that was upside down she had already crawled out of it and apart from some bumps and cuts from just being in one of the worst accidents I had ever seen, she was alright. The Semi driver was okay as well, just groggy from what just had happened.

Another individual arrived on the scene and had informed the woman that an ambulance and the police were on their way. She thanked the guy as well as me for stopping, as there were a lot of people present for the accident but not a lot of people stuck around, rubberneckers are annoying and can make for an accident themselves.

I recognize somewhere inside of me the nature of Fight or Flight Response in regards to accidents, I’m able to be in the moment and respond appropriately. I am certified in First Aid, I have to be it’s a potential possibility with my line of work, but even if I am not at work and something comes up I am able (and want to) help if needed.

There isn’t a place in this world for rubberneckers as they slow up traffic or worse, but thankfully there are people out there like me who will rise to the occasion to help out others in accidents. How sad and self centered this world would be if no one came to other people’s rescue.

~Nathanael~

26/30 – An intervention of sorts

An intervention of sorts

There is someone in my life who seems to “do a good job” at pointing out the faults and flaws of everyone and never seems to point it back at herself and start to work on her own issues. It is quite frustrating because she will go on and on verbatim ad nauseum about what he does/what she doesn’t do and so on and so forth, and so I’m considering an intervention of sorts.

Because there’s the dynamic where I don’t really care about hearing about other people’s problems when I’m trying to work out mine, I care, but not to the point where that’s the only thing this individual talks about. Plus there’s the dynamic where it’s quite hypocritical; yes it is easier to point out the problems of others because it keeps one from working on their own, but it’s not healthy for anyone.

I want to have this intervention to help this person see how troubling it is to me (as well as others) that this is all this person seems to dwell upon, and in a way seems quite obsessed with the problems of others. This individual can function, but she puts too much energy in…well, if you read this much, no need to repeat myself.

In a way I’ve learned from this person’s negative outlook on life. It gets me in gear to work on my own life issues before I start pointing out what other people do (or don’t do). I can’t say that I enjoy learning from a perspective of doing the opposite of what someone does, but sometimes it just happens and I’m okay with that.

So here’s hoping that this intervention goes well. I don’t have a Plan B if this person isn’t receptive to the intervention, so I’m hoping that it’s a success the first time around.

~Nathanael~