Paternal instinct flaring (what me worry? Nah!)

I work with kids, mainly older teens and early 20 year olds. 40 hours (at the very least) every week. But after the work week is done, I still like kids and interacting with them and listening to them and figuring out what motivates them (call it Rogerian psychology at work).
Then there’s the rare opportunities I have to interact with babies. While I have no engagement with them except to listen to them communicate with me, make them laugh, tickle them, hold them, and make them feel loved and secure among other things, my paternal instinct flairs.

Lately, it has been flaring up quite a bit. I was holding my friend’s son the other day and he was an awesome talkative nearly 7 month old. He sure knew how to melt my heart rather than break it.
I’ve been a dad before, and I can’t…but can, wait to have kids again. I’ll admit, it’s not always something I present to God even though she knows among other things that I want to be a dad again. It gnaws away at me, as I like to think I know what makes babies tick, what makes them smile and what makes them feel loved. I feel their love as well; the way a baby communicates “I love you” and “thank you” are some of the best I-love-you’s and thank-you’s I know of!

And yet I fear, at least sometimes, I will never be a biological father to others. I don’t feel as if my biological clock is actually a countdown timer, but I want to be a father while I’m rather young so as to experience life to the fullest with said child[ren]. I don’t want to be “old” when I have kids, I really don’t, I feel as if I would be a burden to them and to me if it comes to that.
So I press onward and upward, doing what I can to establish relationships with the opposite sex WITHOUT that in mind- otherwise I will be there instead of being here in the relationship.

I know I am on a difficult and troublesome road, but I have hope God will meet me where I’m at and that someday I will be a father once again.

~Nathanael~

Morning Meditation 11.15.15

Morning meditation 11.15.15

Islamophobia and bigotry towards Muslims is unChristlike. To accuse Muslims as the ones responsible for the attacks on Paris on Friday is ignorant and operating out of fear. What happened was under the guise of Islam and Muslims, but it’s a farce.

Do not give in to the notion that you are to retaliate, to get your “just desserts” by personifying the evil committed because your appetite will never be sated, take the violence out of circulation within your heart, and let that ripple effect move outward.

Take time to engage in dialogue and conversation with Muslims in your community. For in doing so you will grasp how much there is in common, how much overlap in our humanity and how we treat others.

If we take what Jesus said seriously, take time to dwell on this verse found in John 13:34 – “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.

Let love win within our hearts and flow outward onto our Muslim brothers and sisters who have been misaligned as the ones responsible for the attack on Paris.

~Nathanael~

If there’s a heaven; Of unanswered questions, my grandfather, and Adolf Hitler

Earlier today as a personal exercise I examined myself from the inside as to what I’d like to do if Heaven exists. I realized as I was writing it that I slightly presented hell but not one of eternal conscious torment, but one where the fires lap at our human imperfections like dross from gold; a removal, an extraction of what isn’t good until we’re able to be reconnected with ourselves, with others, and also unto God.
With that being said, here goes something…

***

If Heaven does in fact exist, and if I am allowed to partake and enjoy it with God and all of humanity I want to do the following 3 things:

1) Find my maternal grandfather and catch up with him for an eon or so.
At this point in my life he is the number one person I miss the most of those who have passed away. He passed away when I was younger and I miss him a lot; I miss his stories, his humor, the weird twitching of his bicep when he’d flex, and so on. I do honor him now when it comes to All Saints Day and also when I meditate on the “cloud of witnesses” of saints who have gone before during my time of prayer. I hope that I am able to do this when I myself have passed away.

2) Present to God all the why questions I have.
I don’t know if I will have inner peace or satisfaction in asking all my why questions, but I’m going to give it my best shot. I realize that if given the opportunity it will take some time, but as the musician Chris Rice aptly put it; “it’s a good thing forever’s forever.” Yet maybe even still all I might receive is a hug and a resounding but comforting “I know…I know…I know” and that will be it. If it happens to be the latter, I am hoping that will be enough for my wearied mind.

3) If Adolf Hitler is already there, I want to forgive him.
If Hitler is already in Heaven, if he has already been removed of the dross that separates him from himself, humanity, and God, and provided I am dross-free as well I want to let him know that I forgive him. If, as Alexander Pope put it, “to err is human, to forgive divine” then I want to do that because I want to aid in reconnecting Hitler with his humanity and his Imago Dei-ness if at all possible. I realize the reason behind this is that I believe within every cell of my BEing that no one is able to fully resist the love of God forever because the very essence of God is love. It might take years or eons to “get it” and accept it, but love will win eventually. May the dross that separates us from ourselves, each other, and our creator be quickly stripped away!

Onward, Inward, and Upward!
~Nathanael~

Transgender Lives Matter


Earlier today I watched a documentary called Southern Comfort, which Wikipedia describes as “a 2001 documentary film about the final year in the life of Robert Eads, a female-to-male transsexual. Eads, diagnosed with ovarian cancer, was turned down for treatment by a dozen doctors out of fear that treating such a patient would hurt their reputations. By the time Eads received treatment, the cancer was too advanced to save his life.”

Transgender, in case you’re unfamiliar with a working definition is knowing you were born into the wrong gender, that mentally you know you were meant to be born a male where your anatomy makes you biologically a female, and you know you were meant to be a born a female where your anatomy makes you biologically a male. Transgender is the T in the acronym LGBTQ, and I (as many people can attest to) believe the transgender face a lot of discrimination from within the LGBTQ community as well as from the rest of society.
How so you might ask? Discrimination within the work place, an ill-informed population as to what being transgender entails, violence, if incarcerated they might be put in the wrong prison (matching them with their biological gender, but not the one that reflects their being transgender), a lack of acceptance by friends and family which may lead them to choosing to complete suicide (rest in peace Leelah Alcorn), amongst other things.

I am an ally to the LGBTQ community, and my awareness to what affects the Transgender community was heightened as I watched Southern Comfort, especially when one of the partners of one of the guys made this comment as to why she was fearful to be recorded for the documentary; “I’m just afraid of someone coming in here and destroying everything we have and harming us because they think it’s the right thing to do in the name of God, in the name of God for Heaven’s sake.” ‪ – Southern Comfort (Documentary: 2001)
As a follower of Christ, I was (and still am) utterly mortified by the fear of the woman for things that might be done against because people’s perception that “it’s the right thing to do in the name of God.” Pardon my language, but what the fuck? Someone is fearful for what might happen in the name of GOD?!? That certainly doesn’t ring of anything Godlike or even, Christlike, my heart goes out to this fear that is ever present in the hearts of men and women.

As if the oppression against those who are Transgender individuals wasn’t enough there are those who get perverse kicks from doing things against them because (and we’ve all heard it before in some shape or form) “God told me / us to do it” which frankly is one of the biggest cop-outs and excuses out there. Grow the heck up and stop using God as a scapegoat for why you harm yourself or your fellow human being, an individual who is made in the image of God.

Life is short and sacred enough to see the value in all, to respect and the humanity and Imago Dei-ness found in everyone. All lives matter, Transgender lives matter as well, and we as individuals and as communities and as nations should do what we can to preserve life and not take it away, refurbish and rehabilitate it, and not discard it. To my LGBTQ brothers and sisters I am your ally and will keep fighting for your rights! Life would not be the same without you, hold on my brothers and sisters, hold on.

~Nathanael~

Love as a spiritual exercise; day 30 of Ramadan

https://i0.wp.com/www.iccuk.org/images/coexistsmall.jpg

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” – John 13:34

Happy Eid Al-Fatr y’all! 🙂

I decided to hold back in writing about love until the very end of Ramadan because it is the very essence of God. We as human beings have the capacity to love one another and ourselves, but so often we don’t. Why is that? Is it because love is in short supply or ? I think that some reasons why so many of us go without loving others is because we get selfish, we expect it without putting any effort in, we think love is something that will just fall in our laps, we get self-absorbed, we get scared…

I too am scared of love, more to the point true intimacy; because it is one thing to chill with your peeps and be unabashedly bold in what you say without thinking or blinking (or maybe you think and blink but you know what you’re saying will get a reaction of some sort.) but it is entirely different to put out the same things to a significant other, or at least I perceive it to be, because at the end of the night you go back to your SO’s place or your SO comes over to your place and you’re left with what you said.
And while I am careful in being articulate and communicating what I want to say so that there’s no misunderstanding as to what I have to say, I still worry to a certain extent, I worry will I still be liked and I worry will I still be loved. And I want to be liked and I want to be loved, and yet it is the root of my inhibition to be bold, to take risks, to ask girls out on dates…I am a work in progress, and I am getting over myself, but unfortunately I’ve been in that rut for a while. :-/

Yet despite my hesitations it doesn’t slow me down in working on becoming the best possible version of me. I love me, healthily and wholly, I am glad I am me and not someone else because then I wouldn’t be me! Silly perhaps, but I am glad to be alive because it’s great to be alive! (My coworker reminds us all this on a daily basis, and I concur.)

I believe in love. I believe in being loved and loving others. I believe that love conquers all and drives out fear. I believe that everyone is deserving of love. I believe that everyone has the capacity to love others. I also recognize within my being that I am loved even when I don’t feel like I am being loved, being in community assures me of that on a regular basis, for I am a recipient of love and a giver of love myself.

***
I was extended love on Eid Al-Fatr by way of having an Eid dinner with my good friend and his family and friends. The majority of the time was spent talking to him and his 3 younger cousins, it was great to be in community and to have serious and silly conversations. Dinner was great too! Pakistani food, and also dessert, it was great to simply be with my friend and his family plus. I was caught up with it all during part of the evening, I found myself meditating and being present but being overwhelmed by the beauty and wonder of it all. I am thankful to God for moments when all my senses are in tune with my being and I feel deeply present where I’m at.

It is my intention to do better at loving others and to put some of my worries and what-if’s to the side as I pursue loving in a dating relationship context. Because I know what it is like to be loved and to love someone else, and there is no better feeling in the world than love because love put this world and universe into motion and it sustains it still.

So with all that being said, love was my keyword on the 30th day of Ramadan. Thanks be to God, The Source of Love, who loves us and knows us, deeply and truly. May we learn to love one another as God has loved us, may we learn to love ourselves, may we learn to meet people where they are at when they’re in need of love, on their terms and not our own.

Salaam alaikum be yours now and always,
Nathanael