There are things I don’t understand, and I’m okay with that – 23/28

I consider myself intelligent in a broad variety of subjects, and I do what I can to learn from the school of life on a day-to-day basis but there are some things I don’t understand and I’m okay with that.

I used to think that when it came to my belief system it was about having all the answers, which is why whenever I’d play “Bible baseball” at AWANA, the only time I wasn’t beaten the shit out of by my peers was when people wanted me on their team because I would ask for the triple or home run questions. I knew the answers, I knew the songs, I knew the framework of the do’s and don’ts within the Christian culture I was in, and I thought that was life of a Christian.

Yet in my early 20s I started wrestling with my beliefs and I gave myself room to doubt the nature of God and even to some extent doubt God’s existence. I asked the “if God is good why are there those who suffer in the world” question and related, and found answers to some but not all of my questions. In my journeys of learning about God I recognize that there are things I don’t have answers for and I have peace with not knowing.

It’s not apathy, it’s not me tossing in the towel because I can’t come to a conclusion, it comes from a place that there aren’t always answers to our questions. Being human should mean asking questions, and with that people want answers to their questions; I see this plain as day with the junior higher students I work with at my church to those I work with at work, answers give us the potential to have a better grasp about something going on in life. A lack of answers can mean a lack of security. I acknowledge good questions and do what I can to answer them, I also acknowledge the fact that some questions don’t have answers much to the chagrin of others sometimes. It can be messy and it can be scary to not have answers, but such is life sometimes and we need to collectively be able to live with that.
It is a tall order to live answerless but it doesn’t diminish our humanity, as it points out our fragility and our temporal natures. We are all human, we all screw up, we all have bad days in our own and collective ways as much as we have good days in our own and collective ways. Where we lack sometimes can be remedied by the company we keep; my problem’s might not be the same as my friend, but where he or she helps me so in some way I can help or she as well, this is the we-ness of humanity.

I will keep asking questions and I will keep answering questions where I can, but for what I don’t know I will smile and acknowledge my unknowing. 🙂