30/30 – It could have been worse

It could have been worse

Life isn’t always what it seems and lately I’ve been in a bit of a funk where I’m dwelling on what was and is no longer. If I am honest with myself and my current circumstances I seem to be pining over the past and am not satisfied with my current lot in life.

Things are getting better for me, they truly are, but I think about love and how much I want to give love and be loved…

It could have been worse, had I not been in a place where love was expressed I might not know how to appreciate it or truly live it out. Love hurts as much as it heals, and when you truly love someone you recognize that it will come to an end, not because one’s perspective should be looking at the possible end at the beginning, but if you give your love to someone and they give their love back, someone’s going to pass away and the physical day-to-day in-good-times-and-bad kind of love will come to an end.

Yet I realize that I want that again, even though there is hurting that comes with the healing, I am ready and so I look for my June, I pray for her with my eyes open.

Love is an active thing, it must be acted out in a tangible dynamic way, love cannot coast, either it is acted upon or it is not, there’s no middle ground where it just gets by on its own.

So tragically I do miss loving and being loved, but I am ready for love the next time it presents itself.

~Nathanael~

28/30 – Putting an end to a multi-generational curse

Putting an end to a multi-generational curse

I grew up in a home with an absent father for the most part. Work was (and still is) priority number one, and his intentionality to work long hours meant something or someone had to be given up, my mom/sisters & I were that someone.

I don’t know the fullest extent of growing up without a father has taken on me, but some of the more noticeable signs are as follows:
– I kinda rebel at male roles of authority, if I develop a relationship with the guy it’s easier, but from the get-go it is not.
– I have learned a lot of things the hard way, which if I had a father who gave me some insight I probably would not have made stupid STUPID mistakes, but I will say thankfully I’ve been learning from my mistakes and so there haven’t been much repeating in the mistake process.
– I was a hellion to my mother growing up, I bucked her authority because she took on both roles as a result of my father not being there, nothing quite like having your teacher also be your disciplinarian, things got better between her and I but it took years…

The sins of my father in his absenteeism comes from repeating what his father did to him, but it goes on before him and therefore is a multi-generational curse of having fathers out of the picture, away or even not there for their wives and children.

***

The turning point probably came in my late teens or earlier when I decided I did not want to put my future wife and kids through what I went through, and actually I was toying with the idea of having a friend snuff the life out of me if I ever did turn out like my father (which, as it should, scared the shit out of him).

But it has been in 20s that I have formulated what I will need to do in order to end the multi-generational curse, because an idea is just an idea, but if one has the gumption to put some sweat and tears and effort in changing something, that idea just became a well crafted plan of attack which holds more weight than just talking about it.
To which my plan of attack as it were is as follows:
– Having men I respect and trust to hold me accountable, to put out there my struggles and concerns.
– Putting it out there to my wife (in advance) where I’m coming from.
– Figure what my father-in-law did right and seek him for advice (I recognize I won’t be marrying just my June, but her family as well).
– Pray and have faith in God to see me through, that my wife and kids will not know the absence that I know all too well.

***

It’s not easy, and some days I would much rather stay in bed than face the facts concerning my issue, but I have had the pull to be a husband and father since I was younger and so I must go on and do what I need to do to get to that point. That day will come and I want to be as ready for it as I’m getting ready nowadays will putting out there my issues, concerns, and struggles.

I already await the days when my kids run screaming “daddy” and they hug my ankles, I already await the days where I go to bed with my wife and feeling safe & secure, I already await the days when my kids let me in to what’s going on in their lives and there isn’t a shred in parental-loathing teenage angst…

I have dreams, I have ideas, and I have plans, so I must get to planning the future for my wife & kids in the now.

~Nathanael~

9/31 – What seems to be lacking currently for my true happiness right now

What seems to be lacking currently for my true happiness right now

There is a part of me that lacks, and that primarily comes from not being in a relationship and wanting to be in a relationship again. It won’t “complete” me, it won’t being me “true happiness”,¬† but I want to be a part of an “us” again, I want to love and be loved again.

I have found love before and I’ve lost it, but in these years I’ve recognized that love is indeed a verb and needs to be acted out and not just by words alone but actions to support love. I also recognize that love takes time, and I need to pray and look for someone who’s compatible with me instead of hastily going for Ms. Right NOW!
I’m looking for a love like Johnny and June, after he passed away he passed the torch of being the “man in black” (in theory) on to me, I may be rough around a lot of my edges, but I’m looking for my June.

My good friend since my early college years goads me repeatedly out of love “God has someone for you! And when you least expect it He will plop her in your lap” and I believe it, I really do, but sometimes I honestly don’t and since I neither fit in the “young 20somethings group” or “young couples group” in the church dynamic I’m an oddity, because in someways the church sees that as the logical progression.

A few years ago I started writing to my future wife and kids, I think I might do that again (oh my lack of stick-to-itiveness with writing some times) for my sake, their sake and our sake. I used to criticize the young couples who met in their college bubble and kept that dynamic up as long as they could¬†outside of the bubble until that bubble burst…but nowadays I have sympathy and compassion for those who meet in a controlled setting, God help them once they get out.

So I’m looking and praying with my eyes open for my June, I will be my beloveds and my beloved will be mine…all in God’s perfect timing.

~Nathanael~

 

Of Earnest Shackleton and Ruth Bell Graham

*Thanks to Nathanael and Pkyslw I decided to write this post.*

Now you might be wondering, what does
Earnest Shackleton

and Ruth Bell Graham

have in common? One a British explorer who led up an Antarctic expedition in the early 20th century and one the wife of Billy Graham the preacher. Their commonality?

Their desire for something more, their wants in men; for Shackleton it was for those who would partake in the expedition he was leading into Antarctica, for Graham it was traits she wanted in a husband.

If you want to read what Shackleton wanted, click here.
If you want to read what Graham wanted, click here (“Let him be like thee”).

I use these two individuals to provide a “want desire ad” of sorts of what I’m looking for in a woman, my June, not just in a dating context but in a married one as well. Shackleton’s “want ad” is adventurous with many possible possibilities yet to occur, Graham’s is one of love and thinking big picture; she was a follower of Christ so the guy for her was to be a follower of Christ, likewise for me but for a Christian lady instead.

So here it goes…I am looking for a woman:
– who loves God
– who loves others
so far so good, eh? but I also want a woman
– who has a sense of humor
– who is smart, and not necessarily I-went-to-college-check-out-my-pedigree smart
– likes working with kids
– wants to have some of her own some day
– who makes me smile
– who brings out the best in me
– who I bring out the best in her
– who loves me (I am my beloved and my beloved is mine)
– who, after I share my heart and my mind, my past and my present…utter transparency…is still there.
– who is an egalitarian, who wants to make plans together
– likes photography (taking photos or even being photographed, iLike!)
– likes to travel
– like the whole “great outdoors” experience; hiking, backpacking, camping, fishing, making love in a sleeping bag under the stars near our campfire…)
– has a sense of self worth
– has a sense of purpose
– has a sense of what she wants to do with her life.
– invests in the lives of others
– is able to engage in conversation, it doesn’t have to be all the time but a woman who knows her stuff and speaks with conviction, iLike!

Here’s where it might get a bit tricky, and this revolves around stuff I like and where my heart is:

– someone who join me in working with youth in the context of youth ministry. It doesn’t have to be the only thing she does, but it does help to have someone who supports and engages in what you do by way of ministry.
– someone who will engage the LGBT community as I intend to do, and someone I can turn to at the end of the day, for better or worse, and discuss what that day was like.
– someone who if I take on a role of pastor of Warehouse SoCal supports me in this. I don’t want her or even my kids to take the stereotypical pastor’s wife and PK roles. I want her to have a sense of identity apart from being my wife and the pastor’s wife.

***

Now I recognize I might not find every facet I listed in one woman, and since I’m not into polygamy I hope to find a woman who has a good deal of these character traits.

This is what I’m looking for, are you out there my June? I love you already even if we haven’t met yet.

~Nathanael~