28/30 – Putting an end to a multi-generational curse

Putting an end to a multi-generational curse

I grew up in a home with an absent father for the most part. Work was (and still is) priority number one, and his intentionality to work long hours meant something or someone had to be given up, my mom/sisters & I were that someone.

I don’t know the fullest extent of growing up without a father has taken on me, but some of the more noticeable signs are as follows:
– I kinda rebel at male roles of authority, if I develop a relationship with the guy it’s easier, but from the get-go it is not.
– I have learned a lot of things the hard way, which if I had a father who gave me some insight I probably would not have made stupid STUPID mistakes, but I will say thankfully I’ve been learning from my mistakes and so there haven’t been much repeating in the mistake process.
– I was a hellion to my mother growing up, I bucked her authority because she took on both roles as a result of my father not being there, nothing quite like having your teacher also be your disciplinarian, things got better between her and I but it took years…

The sins of my father in his absenteeism comes from repeating what his father did to him, but it goes on before him and therefore is a multi-generational curse of having fathers out of the picture, away or even not there for their wives and children.

***

The turning point probably came in my late teens or earlier when I decided I did not want to put my future wife and kids through what I went through, and actually I was toying with the idea of having a friend snuff the life out of me if I ever did turn out like my father (which, as it should, scared the shit out of him).

But it has been in 20s that I have formulated what I will need to do in order to end the multi-generational curse, because an idea is just an idea, but if one has the gumption to put some sweat and tears and effort in changing something, that idea just became a well crafted plan of attack which holds more weight than just talking about it.
To which my plan of attack as it were is as follows:
– Having men I respect and trust to hold me accountable, to put out there my struggles and concerns.
– Putting it out there to my wife (in advance) where I’m coming from.
– Figure what my father-in-law did right and seek him for advice (I recognize I won’t be marrying just my June, but her family as well).
– Pray and have faith in God to see me through, that my wife and kids will not know the absence that I know all too well.

***

It’s not easy, and some days I would much rather stay in bed than face the facts concerning my issue, but I have had the pull to be a husband and father since I was younger and so I must go on and do what I need to do to get to that point. That day will come and I want to be as ready for it as I’m getting ready nowadays will putting out there my issues, concerns, and struggles.

I already await the days when my kids run screaming “daddy” and they hug my ankles, I already await the days where I go to bed with my wife and feeling safe & secure, I already await the days when my kids let me in to what’s going on in their lives and there isn’t a shred in parental-loathing teenage angst…

I have dreams, I have ideas, and I have plans, so I must get to planning the future for my wife & kids in the now.

~Nathanael~

A note to my kids (from the past to the future) – part 1

Disclaimer: I don’t have any kids, but since I’m going to have some someday, why not write to them? I will get around to writing to my June, my wife, but…that’s between her and I.

Dear Nathanael Jr., 1 other son and 2 daughters…

Hi! How’s it going? I just want to start off by saying you are loved by me, your mom and more importantly God loves you! He did create you (tho your mom and I had contributed…a little) and he wants the best for you, you make him smile. You know how we sing songs and read his book together? We do that because this is one of the ways we worship and love him, he lets us know in His word that he loved us before we even loved him, isn’t that amazing?

Now I know there are probably times you think that your mom and I came from another planet, that we’re not “cool” and we might be rather annoying (but not that much, otherwise no food/allowance/etc for YOU – just kidding). I once was your age, really! Oh sure I was much more popular than you might believe, but yeah, I was a ___ year old like you. As you grow older you might get some of the reasons why I act quirky, but don’t you like it? Would you rather have me be mostly serious and away at the office all day all year except for during vacation?

Now I know you might feel some unnecessary pressure from the people we worship with on the weekend, you being PKs and all, I’m sorry for this pressure and I hope it doesn’t compromise who you truly are. If it’s getting to you and you want to worship with some other believers, I’m cool with that.
Does it seem like I’m spending more time with people from church instead of you? I’m sorry if it seems like it, wanna grab St. Arbucks with me sometime? You’re important to me, I hope you never say “My dad was never there for me” because I don’t want to be that way at all.

Are we working on a project car yet? Do I have the ’61 Lincoln Continental with the LS9 swap aka Black Betty up and running? If not, I do appreciate your help in building one of my dream cars.

Dear sons and daughters, by now you’re noticing guys and girls in a way that words can never fully describe. This thing called like/love is something, eh? It’s something you want and something you will have, but it comes with responsibility and I hope you realize that when I ask you about ________ I’m curious but also looking out for you. You’ve already suffered a broken heart? My sons and daughters I am sorry this is so, I’ve had my fair share of heartache of love lost and in time (whether you believe me or not) you’ll love again and here’s hoping that love you’ll have is for keeps!

I don’t have much left to say in this note except do you truly understand that I love you but God loves you much more than I ever could? I hope you also recognize that the reason why I correct you is because I don’t want you or anyone else to get hurt. I hope I’m correcting you out of love and I hope this is known, I know what it’s like to be corrected out of anger and frustration and it’s no bueno in my book and I’ll try to prevent this from happening.

All the best,
Nathanael