In the land of the blind…

An acquaintance of mine wanted to offer up his 2 cents about what happened in Paris on Friday, so I offered up my blog as a means to convey what he wanted to say…

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In the land of the blind, would they truly follow the “One-Eyed King?” Or would they embrace the comfortable existence they have grown accustomed to in their darkness?  What is sight to them if they are blind? Who can blame them should they refuse to trust that this King sees something beyond their understanding?

I suppose this would be the true test of faith. For if they do not reach deep inside themselves and find the courage to jump into the unknown, they will allow the One Eyed King to travel off into far and distant lands without them.
Though they know he can provide new pastures and opportunity should they go with him, they are unwilling to risk escaping what they have worked so long to build: a bland and tasteless life of stirring in emptiness.

Entrusting God with my 30’s (and beyond)

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On Sunday I will be turning the big 3-0 and my knee-jerk, gut reaction towards my birthday is oh hell I am a year older.

I am not a fan of my birthday most of the time because I over-analyze and overthink it and I find myself doubting my self-worth and what I have done with my XX years of living. But, and maybe it’s senility taking over (I kid), I am coming to terms with surrender and entrusting God with the journey set before me in its rawest form; the journey of simply living and BEing.

I am going to be as optimist about it as I can be, but not the blind optimism that bares a fake smile that seems like the byproduct of a Botox injection gone awry, but the optimism that says God this is my life, this is my journey, help me to trust in you with my life now and forever. It’s not a revised “sinner’s prayer” but a prayer in the breath-as-a-prayer form, a breathing in…a breathing out, an entrusting for what I see in front of me and even for what I don’t see, as my vision is limited (interpret that as you will).

So with that in mind, I embrace my life as being 1 year older, first year of my 30s, wonderful years I have yet to experience but God is here and God is near in the midst of my good times and even in times where I utter a fuck this shit under my breath or out loud. God sustains me and provides, and so I trust and turn towards open-handed faith instead of clenched-fist belief, opening of myself in a posture of surrender and human feebleness.
I know I will be met on this journey, and even if I don’t see much in front of me, I am okay with that I really am. So here’s to the journey called life, here’s the journey called my 30s.

Pax perfecta est in terram,
Nathanael

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P.S. In lieu of a birthday present, would you mind consider donating to The Marin Foundation. I believe in their ministry and their continual effort in building bridges. Thank you very much for considering doing this, I appreciate it and I know they will as well.

Adopted for Christmas (part 2)

Well…

Plans changed and my friend’s post-Christmas get together never came to be. 😦 I’m not completely bummed out, I am sad for my coworker’s sake that the get together didn’t happen because that’s her family and from what she has shared with me I know they mean a lot to her.

So I made some plans as I still worked the 7-5 shift at work, and those fell through, but I shook it off and made alternative plans to my alternative plans. 😉

Anchorman 2
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If you liked the first one, there’s a good chance you’ll like the second one as well. A lot of cameos, it was a good way to unwind after work and after other plans fell through. That’s me though, I am resilient and capable in finding alternative things to do when life happens, and it does happen all the time.

~Nathanael~

Adopted for Christmas (part 1)

Having talked to my coworker about where I’m coming from, where I’ve been, and even where I am now she has decided to “adopt” me for Christmas.

She has put out there to a large extent the skeletons in her and her family’s life, and as she puts it “We have skeletons in our closet, but we take ours out to dance”. As macabre as that sounds, it sounds lovely to me. There are plenty of skeletons in my closet, and at times that impedes me in getting close and intimate with others because I ponder if I will be judged, if I will be discarded, if any ounce of a relationship we have will still exist once I put myself out there. These are all valid questions, and certainly it can blow up in someone’s face, it has happened to me before and will happen again, BUT I will keep putting myself out to those I am willing to put my trust in.

I will say this about the overarching familial closet of skeletons, they’re not healthy they’re musty and there’s a collective perspective at times of keep that shit out of sight and out of mind. But it, for better or worse, is a part of me and some times it is apart from me. I recognize that I need to address my issues more otherwise I sense I’d give in to the fear and learned helplessness would settle into my bones and I would be in a bad place that I wouldn’t want to leave. Fear still has its benefits in my life, it is a motivator and it is a tool; I let fear into my life long enough to let it course through my veins and then I release it and act on what I need to do at that present time.

I am encouraged to be going into an environment where there are issues and there are problems, but they have been dealt with and it has made them collectively stronger in a lot of ways. I am also looking forward to the element of celebrating the Christmas holiday in community that is inclusive.
Someday I hope to have an open door policy for Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. I met a guy in Memphis whose family does this every year and it sounded amazing and I got a glimpse of bigger and better; a glimpse of what I want to transpire in my life when I get there, and more importantly a glimpse of the Kingdom of Heaven.

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So with that I’m looking forward to Christmas now, to spend it with an awesome coworker and her family and friends. This is part one, so when Christmas has come and gone, so starts part two. 🙂

~Nathanael~

I’m dying/God is calling me to deeper waters

In the words of Dietrich Bonhoeffer:



In turn, I am dying.

I am dying to the Nathanael of 10 years ago, I am dying to the Nathanael of yesterday…

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On Monday of this week I was playing with my college friend and her family and her son Ezekiel at a local water park, obligatory cute picture of Zeke:


This sweet little boy of 2, this boy prior to Monday only knew me…for 1 day! Sure I played with him in my friend’s backyard, I had lunch with him and I even chased after him when he decided to go streaking nekkid to the front yard…I love this little kid.
So Zeke, his mom, her family, a few friends and I went swimming at the local water park. One of the first things Zeke wanted to do was go in the wave pool, so he dashed for it and I dashed after him. For a while he was content with just running up to his little ankles and back to dry ground, back and forth, back and forth…and then the waves started kicking in. I took Zeke, this little boy of 2, out to where it was shoulder deep on me. The wave formations were predictable so I just stayed put as they crashed into me and Zeke, well Zeke just loved it! The artificial surf knocking me about, splashing him every now and then…this is how 30 minutes goes by like seconds and this is also how like Zeke I aim to trust in God.

I’m dying, I’m dying to my old way of being and allowing God to move in and take over. I’m clinging to God as he takes me into deeper waters that seem lonesome. I’m holding on to him as it seems I get resistance from significant portions of Christian comm(unity) whose words crash down upon me at times…

I recognize that maybe I am going to start a legacy of engaging the LGBT comm(unity) in a way that right now isn’t really the norm. I don’t puff myself up with pride in regards to this, but I recognize that the change I want to see begins with me. While I want to do this, become a pastor, continue youth ministry and bring about change to my family as well as others…it begins with me dying so that Christ can live through me.
My life’s story is worn and thin in the pages, but God isn’t done with me. God alone knows how many days I have upon this earth, and I intend to use my days to bring Him glory and honor, that people see HIM rather than they see me, that what I have I pour out on others and what I have because of who He is and what He’s capable of, it won’t run out!

God is in the business of reconciliation and restoration, I aim to be a part of that, do you?

~Nathanael~