I work with kids, mainly older teens and early 20 year olds. 40 hours (at the very least) every week. But after the work week is done, I still like kids and interacting with them and listening to them and figuring out what motivates them (call it Rogerian psychology at work).
Then there’s the rare opportunities I have to interact with babies. While I have no engagement with them except to listen to them communicate with me, make them laugh, tickle them, hold them, and make them feel loved and secure among other things, my paternal instinct flairs.
Lately, it has been flaring up quite a bit. I was holding my friend’s son the other day and he was an awesome talkative nearly 7 month old. He sure knew how to melt my heart rather than break it.
I’ve been a dad before, and I can’t…but can, wait to have kids again. I’ll admit, it’s not always something I present to God even though she knows among other things that I want to be a dad again. It gnaws away at me, as I like to think I know what makes babies tick, what makes them smile and what makes them feel loved. I feel their love as well; the way a baby communicates “I love you” and “thank you” are some of the best I-love-you’s and thank-you’s I know of!
And yet I fear, at least sometimes, I will never be a biological father to others. I don’t feel as if my biological clock is actually a countdown timer, but I want to be a father while I’m rather young so as to experience life to the fullest with said child[ren]. I don’t want to be “old” when I have kids, I really don’t, I feel as if I would be a burden to them and to me if it comes to that.
So I press onward and upward, doing what I can to establish relationships with the opposite sex WITHOUT that in mind- otherwise I will be there instead of being here in the relationship.
I know I am on a difficult and troublesome road, but I have hope God will meet me where I’m at and that someday I will be a father once again.